Everything He Said.

When you fall in love, you think "I better be careful."
And then you trust, with all of your heart.
You give that person everything you have.
You let them see you, inside and out.
You give your mind, body, and soul to them.

And that's the only part you have control over.
You can only control how you love, but not how the other person loves you.

And when you fall out of love, you sometimes realize that the trust you gave was broken.
You learn that they can break your trust and your heart oh so easily.
You see them, inside and out, except this time it isn't in a good way.
You see that maybe, you shouldn't have given everything to them.
You get your mind, body, and soul back. Except they're all shattered, and will never be fully repaired.

Everything he said he wouldn't do, he wouldn't be, is happening.
He always said we would be best friends.
He always said I could run to him when I was broken, that he would fix it.
He always said that I could trust him.
He always told me that we would be together, Now and Forever.

Even in the end, he told me he still meant it all.

But now what?
Now where is he?

He doesn't talk to me anymore.
He isn't there for me to run to.
He completely broke every ounce of trust that I ever had in him.
And we are not together.

I am left here.
Alone and broken.
Because everything that he said he wouldn't do, he did.

where?

don't know where i'm going or what i'm doing.
don't know what's happening.
i'm just existing.
everything seems like its going wrong for me.
i know other people have it worse than i do, but i just can't help but feel bad about it.
and i know everything happens for a reason, but i'd like to know the reasons now.
i'd like to get some validation that i'm not royally screwing everything up.
why can't it just get better?
it has to get better at some point, right?
where else can it go but up?

Alone

I always feel it.
Alone.
Even though I'm not.
I have him, and I love him.

Yet I'm still alone in my head.
I turn inside myself and won't let anyone in.
When I do this, I'm all alone.

I wish I could stop.
I just get so anxious.
Its almost as if I don't WANT the help.
But I need it.

Why can't it just get better?

Why Don't You Care?

How can you sit there and watch your only child exist like this?
How can you sit there and yell at me when I'm trying to rely on you for support?
How can you sit there knowing that I cry every single night and not do anything about it?
How?

How can you be ok with your only child being depressed and anxious?
How can you be ok with that?

It isn't ok.
It isn't even close.

When I sit and cry for half an hour and you can't even get up the nerve to give me a hug.
How am I supposed to believe you when you say you care?

All of these things prove to me that you don't care.
Why don't you care anymore?
Why don't you care?

Help.

Please help.
Help to make it end.
Help to make it better.

I need help.
Help that will last.
I need to figure out what is wrong.
It needs to get fixed.

I don't need a pill.
I don't need a pep talk.
Those are temporary fixes.

I need something to truly make it better.

To help me feel normal again.
To help me be myself again.

I need help.

Another Day.

The feeling is here again.
Its the first thing I feel in the morning, and the last thing I feel at night.
When will it go away?

Tomorrow maybe, or next week?
Even next month?
But not today.
It never goes away today.
It always waits until another day.

I need it to go away.

Better.

Slightly better.
In a way.
But maybe not.
Who knows nowadays?

Anxious still,
but definitely better.
I will NOT take those pills.
Never.

Hope it gets even better yet.
Trying not to worry,
and live with no regrets.