where?

don't know where i'm going or what i'm doing.
don't know what's happening.
i'm just existing.
everything seems like its going wrong for me.
i know other people have it worse than i do, but i just can't help but feel bad about it.
and i know everything happens for a reason, but i'd like to know the reasons now.
i'd like to get some validation that i'm not royally screwing everything up.
why can't it just get better?
it has to get better at some point, right?
where else can it go but up?

Alone

I always feel it.
Alone.
Even though I'm not.
I have him, and I love him.

Yet I'm still alone in my head.
I turn inside myself and won't let anyone in.
When I do this, I'm all alone.

I wish I could stop.
I just get so anxious.
Its almost as if I don't WANT the help.
But I need it.

Why can't it just get better?

Why Don't You Care?

How can you sit there and watch your only child exist like this?
How can you sit there and yell at me when I'm trying to rely on you for support?
How can you sit there knowing that I cry every single night and not do anything about it?
How?

How can you be ok with your only child being depressed and anxious?
How can you be ok with that?

It isn't ok.
It isn't even close.

When I sit and cry for half an hour and you can't even get up the nerve to give me a hug.
How am I supposed to believe you when you say you care?

All of these things prove to me that you don't care.
Why don't you care anymore?
Why don't you care?

Help.

Please help.
Help to make it end.
Help to make it better.

I need help.
Help that will last.
I need to figure out what is wrong.
It needs to get fixed.

I don't need a pill.
I don't need a pep talk.
Those are temporary fixes.

I need something to truly make it better.

To help me feel normal again.
To help me be myself again.

I need help.

Another Day.

The feeling is here again.
Its the first thing I feel in the morning, and the last thing I feel at night.
When will it go away?

Tomorrow maybe, or next week?
Even next month?
But not today.
It never goes away today.
It always waits until another day.

I need it to go away.

Better.

Slightly better.
In a way.
But maybe not.
Who knows nowadays?

Anxious still,
but definitely better.
I will NOT take those pills.
Never.

Hope it gets even better yet.
Trying not to worry,
and live with no regrets.

Beginning or Ending?

Beginning.
The start.
But doesn't something have to end in order to have a beginning.
And then again, time is continuous.
So is life.
Life doesn't stop.
It doesn't stop for anything.
Not me, not you...nothing.
So how can there be a beginning?

Maybe there isn't.

Maybe a beginning is just
a different state of mind.
A different medication.
A different school.
A different job.
A different friend.
A different illness.
A different emotion.
A different feeling.

But with all of these beginnings come endings.

Which one is better? The new or the old?
They say the grass is always greener on the other side, but what happens when its not?
What happens when you decide to end one thing and begin another, but you want to take it back?

Life goes on, so I guess there is no such thing as a beginning or an end.

One or the other must come soon.
I need the greener grass.

I need an
Ending.